2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
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