Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
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