Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
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