I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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