To answer your question of whether I "went back," tits just informed me I was kicked out for falling off my barstool and passing out on the floor...
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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