If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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