Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
