My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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