Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Randomize
