I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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