Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
