i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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