Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
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