Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
