fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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