Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
Randomize
