so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
