The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
