There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
Randomize
