I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
Randomize
