when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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