wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
and you said cock pushups were impossible
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Randomize