She said so on her MySpace, so it's gotta be true.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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