It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
Is it penis luge time yet?
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
Randomize