I'm sorry my penis didn't work
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
