Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
Randomize
