Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
