I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
He kissed a someone with a penis
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
