I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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