i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
