you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
