is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
Boobs speak an international language.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
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