I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Randomize
