sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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