My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
He called his prostate his "boner button".
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Randomize
