I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize