i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
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