Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
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