I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
Girls should come with a carfax report
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Randomize
