Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
