what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
Randomize
