And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize