Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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