I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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