Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Randomize
