I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
she told me i tasted like america
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
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