Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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