oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
Randomize