omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Randomize