Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
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