I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Randomize