3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
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