Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I just found puke in my bra..
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Randomize
