I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
