I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
