I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
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