I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Randomize
