i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
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