glad you had fun, i did too. am rubbing aloe on my butt now.
He disabled his match.com account in front of me
This is evicking siegelnvs
Im sorry?
This is fucking ridiculous*
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
