Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
this will be a night to untag.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Randomize
