Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
