So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
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