Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
