I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
i think we sleep fucked last night...
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
His nipple licking is glorious
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