I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize