Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
