NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
