Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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